The Beauty in Being Afraid (part one)
Tomorrow, I’m doing something terrifying.
Two weeks ago, my therapist ended our session with a charge for me to “spend more time being uncomfortable,” and I thought I rose to the challenge but apparently suffering through the pain of wearing a pair of brand new heels to a wedding doesn’t count.
When she gave me these instructions, I knew I needed to first define what being uncomfortable meant to me. I didn’t know where to begin…everything made me uncomfortable. Confrontation, loud noises, vulnerability, spiders, being around people, heights, talking to people, leaving my house - I found it all terrifying. What terrified me even more was the fact that I wasn’t always a person with this much anxiety and fear; anxiety to the point that some days it was completely debilitating.
So what changed?
Over the past five years, I’ve graduated college, moved out of state, worked management in essential retail in the thick of a global pandemic, moved back to my home state, adopted three additional pets, got married (technically twice but that’s a story for a different day) and took over a small business.
I also came to the realization that I hated working in corporate America (although that was my entire goal leading up to this) which essentially rendered my degree useless. I also started taking my mental health seriously, ran through a whole array of medications and watched my body change in ways I felt I had no control over. I felt like I’d lost myself and instead of going out and looking for her, I hid away from anything that could hurt whatever pieces of myself were left.
It was then I realized - I was exhausted from being afraid. This stagnant, stuck, trapped, defeated, lost feeling was dragging me down. I’d spent too long being afraid of letting myself feel.
In fact, I was only able to realize this because I’m doing something massively out of my comfort zone. I’m talking full speed, head first dive into the deep end, no floaties. I’m 28 years old and doing something with the word “try-outs” in it. It feels like high school all over again (and not in a good way).
I’m reminded through this dive into the deep end that there is something truly beautiful about feeling afraid. It’s like our bodies are trying to remind us that we are human.
It’s like our bodies are trying to remind us that we are human.
We live in a world that is constantly demanding MORE from us - work more, make more, do more, have more, be more… but never FEEL more.
Instead of being afraid of being afraid, can we lean into the fear? What if feeling afraid is our bodies reminding us we’re allowed to FEEL things? What if feeling that knot in your gut and those little cold sweats on your palms are actually our bodies sending us little reminders to stay present in that moment? What if, instead of letting the fear hold us back, we let it fuel us?
Now, is this the case of all fear? Absolutely not. If you see a bear charging at you in the woods, definitely don’t stay present in THAT moment. That fight or flight response is doing its job, babe. The gut feeling you get when that one dude tries to buy you a drink in the bar? Listen to that gut feeling. But that antsy, anxious feeling you get when you’re about to step outside your comfort zone? That’s where the magic happens.
For now, I have to remind myself there are no bears. There is just me, a little fear and a promise to my therapist that I’d do this (and probably a Truly or two to calm the nerves).
Part two to this story will be out later this week…